Looking out for No. 1....sort of

Recently, I wrote an article for a UK trade publication concerning posturing on energy policy during an election year. The idea had been my editor's, but I extrapolated my own take on the angle and sought out sources, entities and publications to flesh out the story.

What I discovered is that finding a true policy during an election year is impossible. Sophisticated circles will even laugh at the notion that what comes out of the president's or Gov. Romney's mouth is count-on-able.

I once had a boyfriend who, wisely, told me once: "I judge my friends based on their count-on-ability." He cherished me in part for that reason, even if both of us moved on to others we probably could not count on.

Remembering that comment, I ask myself how can I trust the candidates' words and deeds as I struggle to substantiate my vote. I am a lifelong Democrat. I've never voted for a Republican ever since I punched my first ballot for Jimmy Carter in 1980. I remember arguing with a businessman about the merits of a second Carter term. Well, we all know what happened next.

This year, as I listen to my mother and friends regale Obama and chastise Romney for everything from possible tax evasion (which proved untrue) to outsourcing (it's not illegal) to promoting traditional family values (don't all men over 60 hope their wives will be homemakers?), I find myself less passionate in my defense. Will I vote for Obama? Absolutely. Am I happy about it? No.

I am particularly horrified by Obama's handling of the Libyan situation. The death of those four Americans was tragic enough without watching the White House figure out a way to downplay what had happened. Can anyone actually convince me it wasn't more convenient to blame it on a rogue video reaction than call it was, an act of terror? And despite the softening of Candy Crowley during the debate, Obama's words following those murders were purposely vague.

Does everyone remember 9-11? How long did it take the Administration to call it what it was? I'm a journalist. I read the news several times each day. I bought the bit about the video, wondering if I could watch it myself. I read about the actress suing the producers. What I didn't read was a clear statement immediately after the murders that called this a terrorist act.

I'm a bit odd. I took no joy out of the bin Laden assassination. I would have preferred to see him in custody. Put up for trial. I am not a supporter of the death penalty in any state or country. I only marginally understand war.

So for Obama to have taken his victory lap after that killing was appalling to me. I remember e-mailing with a UK editor who said it made him uncomfortable, too. I remember thinking the president did this with the next election in mind. Clearly, I was right.

So why am I standing by Obama? I still believe in the Democratic ideals. I believe in equal pay, gay marriage, universal healthcare and ending unnecessary wars. I believe in diplomacy over bombs, and as importantly, alternative energy over fossil fuel pollution. When Mitt Romney derisively addressed the president's interest in reversing climate change, he solidified my position. He probably didn't realize that some of we more moderate Dems were tottering on the fence prior to his statement that:

      "President Obama promised to begin to slow the rise of the oceans. And to heal the planet. 
My promise is to help you and your family.”

That was a big moment for Romney, when someone who had wanted to investigate other options decided once again to vote liberal.

This is not an easy election. Some of the media chastising about undecideds as somehow flaky or unable to make choices is coarse. I firmly believe that every American of voting age owes it to himself and the country to keep asking the hard questions from now until the very moment he enters the voting booth on Nov. 6.